hate myself....

It's really late... She's away and I really missed her so much... No one was online to entertain me. I wasn't used to playing games without the mouse. The laptop was on and I had nothing else to do, so I thought searching her name in google would be funny.. But it wasn't.... I don't know whether I regret doing it...

I saw some random English names, none of them had both names after one another... One word caught my eye... "Meow" I read it again, "I meow you more" It reminded me of her and her past. I just wanted to check it out, without knowing the consequences.. I read it and was deeply in sorrow... I don't know why.. This guy was sweeter than me, better than me and her posts about him showed that they really loved each other.. I was sad, because maybe she wanted to be with him so badly.. I was scared, because maybe she would fall for him again when he comes back.. I was worried, because maybe he was better than me.. I was terrified, because we had one thing in common: We loved the same girl so much and made the same promises.. Would mine be broken just like his? I couldn't sleep..

Few days later, I read it again, this time to see what a great girlfriend she is.. Then I went further, I opened her best friend's link and went to her link. I went from the year I met her.. 2007.. I was her one of her best friend then, and I went through her blog... All that she told me before, had more details now... Her friends fought and she got slapped, her ex kicked her... It was wrong... So wrong to go through her private life.. She already told me voluntarily as a friend, but I went too far?? I felt deep guilt within.... So angry, so mad... I wish I could just punch myself if there was another me... Actually there is.. But I can't even lay a finger on him.. Very little know what I'm talking about..

First of all, I felt guilty and closed her blog.. But then, I promised myself something.. She will post less things that hurt her... It would be beautiful if she posts blogs about being with me happily until we're both old... I'm actually glad that she told me the way she did...It would hurt her to tell me everything again... And I'll always be here for her to share her problems and solve it with her... I promise..

Her best friends were there for me, all the insecureness, anxiousness, all gone thanks to them. I won't forget them. Now, I'm excited to see her.. But, I know I had to wait...

Love, if you ever read this, I want you to know I'm really, really sorry... It started off as an accident, but I did it on purpose after that.. I love you no matter what............ I'm sorry..